Jenna seemed fine at bedtime.
The usual routine was playing out — bath, hair wash, a little family TV time before teeth are brushed, hands washed and stories are read. Then the final step before goodnight kisses are exchanged — the blood sugar check: 4.2 with a truck load of insulin still on board from supper.
A couple of carb tabs and another story later, a second check revealed a 2.8. This was NOT what I was expecting. Jenna has seldom had a stubborn low requiring multiple treatments. It has happened, but it’s rare, thankfully. So I gave her three more carb tabs, suspended her pump and stayed with her for snuggles and soft words of reassurance. But there was no hiding my concern from Jenna who is as smart as a whip with intuitive abilities to boot. She knew there was reason for concern. She tried to be silly to downplay the situation. I wasn’t in the mood to be silly back even though I knew she was just trying to cope the best way she knows how. She wanted me to join in this silliness like I often do. Anything to give her the sign that she was okay–that she would be okay.
I checked again and as I awaited the result I closed one eye while keeping the other firmly fixed on the meter (something I do when I’m afraid of what the number might be) and repeated out loud in a quiet chant, “Please be a good number. Please be a good number. Please be a good number…” BEEP. 2.4.
This is when mild concern rounds the corner on two wheels to desperate panic. That’s the wrong way, damn it! WRONG WAY!! If the carb tabs are not working, what the hell else is there?!
Glucagon. My final weapon against this most terrifying of D-demons. But before I proceeded, I posted on facebook for some much needed reassurance from my D-peeps. (I love you guys.)
Melissa, a person with diabetes and a mom, was the first person to give me a virtual pat on the back and encourage me: “You can do this, Sherry. Do whatever you have to.”
It was precisely what I needed to hear, even though the moment I read it I had to leave the room so Jenna wouldn’t see me bust into a full blown cry.
I went straight into my bedroom closet to where I keep the glucagon along with all of the diabetes supplies. I retrieved the kit from the travel case that accompanies us on all overnight trips away from home while flashbacks of the last time I had to employ this lifesaving intervention pelted my conscious mind like hail stones falling from a slate black cloud.
Blinking away the tears so that I could see what my hands had to do, I pulled out the contents of the kit on my bed and began reconstituting the white powder in the glass vile with the pre-filled intramuscular needle that comes with the kit. I remember thinking that at least I wouldn’t have to use that needle to inject Jenna since mini-glucagon dosing is done with a subcutaneous insulin syringe instead. That would be little consolation to Jenna, however.
I drew up the six units of glucagon (one unit per year of age) and with the needle hidden behind my back I entered Jenna’s bedroom once more. Jenna was upset now and kept telling her Daddy that she was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. She knew I had something in my hand and she knew what it was.
“No mommy! No mommy! Please NOOO!!”
I did what had to be done and left the room again to stomp the shit out of my bathroom floor while letting the tears come.
It wasn’t the fact that I had to give Jenna a needle. I don’t have a problem with that. It was giving her something I had never given her before that really upset me. Glucagon is a last resort. It is harsh. It gets the job done but it can really kick the shit out of the person receiving it. Vomiting post glucagon is not uncommon. How would she react to it? What will the rest of this night bring?
Jenna was craving toast. Before I gave her the glucagon she kept saying she smelled toast and how good it smelled to her. So as a way to wrap up this upsetting end to an otherwise great day, I invited her and her sister back downstairs for a late night, post bedtime toast snack.
Later as I was settling Jenna back in bed with a post glucagon blood sugar of 9.9, I told her she was okay and it was safe for her to go to sleep now. Jenna became emotional. She hugged me and told me how thankful she is to have a nurse for a mom who “…know[s] how to make it all better.” I told her how lucky I am to have her for a daughter and how amazing I think she is.
“I think you’re amazing too, Momma.”
We hugged more and then Jenna told me with her chin quivering and her eyes flooded with tears that when she grows up she wants to marry a man with type 1 diabetes so that they can take care of each other. This glimpse into Jenna’s thoughts made me realize just how much she gets the seriousness of her diabetes and how alone she feels at times facing the challenges diabetes presents.
I think this is one of the most heartbreaking aspects of being the mother of a child with diabetes: to watch her gradually lose her innocence and awaken to the reality of life with a disease that never sleeps and can turn on you without warning. She is thinking about her future with diabetes. And not just tomorrow, but 20 years down the road! A six year old little girl who still loves to play dress up, play with dolls, skip, ride bikes, blow bubbles and play in the mud should not have to worry about such things. And yet, a part of me is relieved that she is aware and gets it, as much as it hurts my heart.
I’ll be up several more times tonight — Jenna’s blood sugar is lunar bound and I just heard her awaken and take a big long drink from her water bottle. Last check was 16 mmol/l. This roller coaster ride is far from over.
*Nothing here should be construed as medical advice. Please consult your healthcare team of professionals if you have any concerns about your or your child’s diabetes.*